feelings at 5 mins to 7 in the morning...

i dont know how to start this post. all i know is that im feeling awful. not good at all. the two weeks holidays is almost over, then its back to sucky kuaz and stinky dku and bad food. a positive is that friends are there. thats good. but then, its the holidays that im trying to bring up. i thought it was going to be loads and loads and loads of fun after the big finals which btw sucks. its as if i can see that relief and enjoyment are waiting for me to to join them on a train of fun right after the finals, which they had stuck their hands out, trying to pull me up as i was chasing the train to join them, but i was left behind. the train of fun had gone. long gone, and its not turning back for me. everyone else is on that train except for me. im left all alone on the platform, at the station. feeling very lonely, depressed and angry at the same time. promises, broken. hopes, remains hopes. dreams, shattered. happiness, taken away. fun, no more. the clock is still ticking, its not going to stop. it continues on and on. youre sad, happy, fun-filled or bord to your bones, time still passes by. which is cruel. im talking crap, even i dont really understand but its okay. i like it this way. sometimes i feel that in order to make someone happy or fell good about themselves, you need to sacrifice, or lie in certain circumstances. the most times that i'd sacrificed or take it in my stride it makes the other person feel good, but me, mostly i'll feel bad and full of anger which i dont really know who or what should this anger be directed to. it usually will make me feel stupid, but i dont regret in doing the thing that i had done but i'll feel bad. in some cases i'll be just fine, like there's nothing to it. its okay when im feeling like that, the problem is when the times where it'd make me feel like "this sucks bad, damn bad". damn it. two weeks wasted damn it. the things that i had done during the hols is went out once to klcc, slept over at sam's for a night, helping out at my aunt's open house. no movies, no friends, no fun, no enjoyment, no relief. i could have gone to china for a holiday damn it, but i turned down the offer. silly, super silly me. note to self : family first whenever possible. my holidays are almost over, and still, i havent got the chance to do what i wanted to do the most even before the holidays started. ive waited, and waited and it didnt come. it stays like that. just like that. and yet, i still have to wait. heck, ive been waiting for a long time. and still i need to wait. unfair. un-just. intolerable. im too good of a guy i guess. damn.